The Calico Chronicles,
an exploration of the nature and quality of happiness.
Best jokes volume 1
Laugh out loud at our hilarious jokes, and wince at the bad ones, or select another category from the menu.
Oneliners
Sexual Jokes
Tech Jokes
Religion Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Best Jokes Vol. 1
Best Jokes Vol. 2
Best Jokes Vol. 3
Personality Test
Reality
Experience California
Fall Jokes
Spring Jokes
Political Jokes
Princess Di Jokes (Vol. 1)
Princess Di Jokes (Vol. 2)

  1. Foreign Languages
    The following were among winners in a New York Magazine contest in which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression.
    • HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? -- Can you drive a French Motorcycle?
    • VENI, VIPI, VICI -- I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
    • COGITO EGGO SUM -- I think; therefore, I am a waffle.
    • RIGOR MORRIS -- The cat is dead.
    • RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID -- Honk if you're Scottish
    • POSH MORTEM -- Death styles of the rich and famous.
    • MONAGE A TROIS -- I am three years old.
    • HASTE CUISINE -- Fast French food.
    • VENI, VIDI, VICE -- I came, I saw, I partied.
    • QUIP PRO QUO -- A fast retort.
    • ALOHA OY -- Love, greetings, farewell. From such a painyou should never
    • MAZEL TON -- tons of luck.
    • VISA LA FRANCE -- Don't leave your chateau without it.
    • COGITO ERGO SAM -- Sam I am (I think)
  2. Frog
    A man takes the day off from work and decides to go golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it, and is about to shoot, when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron."

    The man looks around but doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit, 9 iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove that the frog is wrong. He puts his first club back into his bag and grabs his 9 iron. Boom!!!

    He drives the ball within ten inches of the cup! The man is shocked and says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, hunh?" The frog replied, "Lucky frog. Ribbit."

    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?" he asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The man takes out the 3 wood. Boom!!

    A hole in one! The man is totally befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best day in his whole life. He asks the frog, "Where to next?" and the frog replied, "Las Vegas. Ribbit."

    They go to Las Vegas and the man says, "Okay, frog. Now what?" The frog responded, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet, frog?" The frog says, "Ribbit. $3,000. Black 6."

    Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures, what the heck? Boom!!! A mountain of cash comes sliding back to him across the table! He takes his winnings and checks into the finest suite in the casino's hotel. The man sets the frog down on a table and says, "Frog, I don't know how I can ever repay you. You won me the best golf game of my life, and now all of this money. I am forever grateful."

    The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." The man figures, why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves at least a kiss. With the kiss, the frog turned into a gorgeous fifteen year old girl.

    "And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room..."

  3. ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND (actual trial)
    A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

    When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

    "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read

    'Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one that read

    'Sloans Liniments remove Swelling'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read

    'William Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read

    'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident'."

    He won the case.

  4. Class Assingment
    The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up:

    "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:

    "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

  5. The Golden Saloon
    A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He sloshes through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.

    "Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.

    "At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

    "Bullshit! There's no such place!"

    "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the toilet's gold!" The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

    "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

    "Yes, it is," bartender answers.

    "Do you have huge golden doors?"

    "Sure do."

    "Do you have golden floors?"

    "Most certainly do."

    "What about golden toilets?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,

    "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who shit in your Tuba!"

  6. Golf
    There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. Well, one Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said "sure."

    So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got curious of what the lone man did for a living. So they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. The friends kind of laughed.

    The man said "no really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look if you like."

    So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?" The stranger said "sure."

    So the man looked for a second and said "YEAH! You can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! He's naked too!"

    This upset the man, so he asked the hitman how much it would be for a hit. The hit man replied "It's $1000 every time I pull the trigger." The man said "$1000, ouch! Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you  to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She is always nagging at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, just for screwing around with my wife."

    The hit man agrees so he gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for about 5 minutes. Well, the man starts to get impatient and asks the hitman what he is waiting for. The hitman replies "Just hold on now... I'm about to save you a thousand bucks."

  7. Contest
    The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

  8. T-G-I-F
    A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F" (letters only). He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"(letters only). She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.

    He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T". The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible "T-G-I-F" another time.

    The man smiled back to her and once again replied with the quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T". The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness Its Friday; getit?"

    The man answered, "Sorry Honey, It's Thursday".

  9. Punk
    An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, and orange, and he's got feather earrings. He sees the guy staring at him. He says "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?"

    The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

  10. Barbie
    A guy walks into the Toys-R-Us toy shop in downtown New York and says to the assistant: "Could you please show me your Barbie dolls?"

    She says, "Certainly, sir. Here, we have: Fashion Barbie @ $15.95 Vacation Barbie @ $15.95 Housewife Barbie @ $15.95 and Divorcee Barbie @ $215.95!"

    The guy asks in astonishment, "Why is divorcee Barbies o much? She looks the same to me."

    The assistant answers, "Well, sir, divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's money!, Ken's etc. etc.

  11. Battery
    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

    "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked."

    "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."

  12. The Art of Sales
    A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

    "Yes, I am the best salesman in the country," said the lad.

    The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

    "One," said the young salesman.

    "Only one?" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

    "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirtyfour dollars," said the young man.

    "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

    "Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a then a huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

    The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook???"

    "No..." answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

  13. Pysudonom
    A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show-biz, so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you do."

    The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"

    The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."

    "'Scuse me?," questions the agent.

    "My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man.

    "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian."

    Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"

    With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".

    "Great kid, great! What's your new name?"

    "Dick Van Dyke."

  14. This is truly the end of civilization as we know it.
    • RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
    • DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
    • SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for illegally keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
    • PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
    • REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbors pick someone through a vote to tell you who gets the milk.
    • AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
    • BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
    • BUREAUCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
    • CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull which you use to breed the other cow as well as every other cow in the area. Then you start exporting sperm from the bull to emerging markets. After several years of expansion, your company issues an IPO to be listed on the NYSE. The SEC eventually instigates legal proceedings against you and your spouse for insider trading. After a lengthy court battle, you are found guilty and sentenced to 10 years in prison, of which you actually serve 7 weeks. When you come out of prison, you buy 2 chickens. Then, . . .
    • HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.
    • ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have 2 cows. The governmen tbans you >from milking or killing them.
    • FEMINISM: You have 2 cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
    • TOTALITARIANISM: Your have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
    • POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongerism, intolerant past) 2 differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unpecified gender.
    • COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like ... these 2 cows, man. You got to have some of this milk!
    • SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
    • LIBERTY: Whatever.
  15. Cars
    • ACURA - Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead
    • AUDI - Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    • BMW - Bavarian Money Waster
    • CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
    • DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
    • FIAT - Fix It Again, Tony
    • FORD - Fixed Or Repaired Daily; (Backwards) Driver Returns On Foot
    • GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?
    • HONDA - Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything; Had One, Never Did Again
    • HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
    • JEEP - Journey Eventually Ends Perpendicularly
    • KIA - Korea's Incompetence Amazing
    • MAZDA - Mismanages A Zillion Dollars Annually
    • MITSUBISHI - Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents
    • LAND ROVER - Loud, Agonizing, Noisy Drive - Rattles On Virtually Every Road
    • PLYMOUTH - Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
    • PORSCHE - Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have +Em
    • SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back; Swedish Autos Always Breakdown
    • SATURN - Stickers Are Truly Unnegotiable, Rebates Nonexistent
    • TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Automobile
    • VW - Virtually Worthless
    • VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
  16. Redneck Family Tree
    Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
    I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
    This widow had a grown-up daughter
    Who had hair of red.
    My father fell in love with her,
    And soon the two were wed.
    This made my dad my son-in-law
    And changed my very life.
    My daughter was my mother,
    For she was my father's wife.
    To complicate the matters worse,
    Although it brought me joy.
    I soon became the father
    Of a bouncing baby boy.
    My little baby then became
    A brother-in-law to dad.
    And so became my uncle,
    Though it made me very sad.
    For if he was my uncle,
    Then that also made him brother
    To the widow's grown-up daughter
    Who, of course, was my step-mother.
    Father's wife then had a son,
    Who kept them on the run.
    And he became my grandson,
    For he was my daughter's son.
    My wife is now my mother's mother
    And it makes me blue.
    Because, although she is my wife,
    She's my grandma too.
    If my wife is my grandmother,
    Then I am her grandchild.
    And every time I think of it,
    It simply drives me wild.
    For now I have become
    The strangest case you ever saw.
    As the husband of my grandmother,
    I am my own grandpa.
  17. Tickle-Me-Elmo
    A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

    Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

    When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll two test-tickles.

  18. It Keeps Growing....
    One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

    The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

    Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

  19. Chinese Food
    A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

    "Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

    The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

    The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied. "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"

  20. Biker
    Seems there was this nasty biker riding his hawg down the icey highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spots a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thinks to himself, "I'll cut that cat in two"' and he bears down on it hard. As he gets closer, he suddenly realizes that it's not a cat, it's a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late!

    His front wheel plows into it and he's sent flying over the handlebars onto the road at 80 MPH. Well, when he arrives in Hell, who should be welcoming the new arrivals but the Devil himself. As the Devil shakes the (ex)biker's hand, he asks mockingly,

    "So, how do you like it here?"

    The bad-ass biker replies, "Man, this is one COOL place!"

    The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decides to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil seeks out the biker and asks, "So, how do you like it now?"

    Still the bad-ass biker responds by saying, "This is great Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August."

    Naturally, the Devil is only more angered, and cranks the heat up as far as it can go. The next day, Hell is as hot as it gets. The Devil again asks the biker how he likes it. Undaunted, the biker proclaims, "It's almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!"

    Now the Devil is just plain pissed, so he turns the thermostat all the way down. The next morning, he finds the biker again and asks, "OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?"

    With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker inquires, "W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Broncos f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?"

  21. Art
    Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:


    (brace yourself)


    (this is going to hurt)


    -- (really bad.) --


    "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."