- Aunt Mary
Aunt Mary and two of her old friends were having a glass of lemonade at her house,
and talking about their health problems.
"I think I must be getting old." said one of the women. "I sometimes find myself at the
foot of the stairs, and I can't remember if I was going up to get something, or coming back
"I know what you mean," added the second friend. "Sometimes I'll be standing in front of
the refrigerator, and I can't remember if I wanted to take something out, or if I had just put
Aunt Mary sat up. "I guess I'm better off than either of you. I haven't had any problems
like that so far, knock on wood". Saying that, she rapped on the table three times. She
looked at the other two women and stood up. "Excuse me," she said, "Someone's at the door."
- Top Ten Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
- 10. You have developed Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solitare.
- 9. You've actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.
- 8. People only come to your office to borrow pencils from the ceiling.
- 7. In an effort to exercise your creative side you knit a computer cozy.
- 6. You create an on-going email dialog with your computer at home.
- 5. No longer content with merely photo-copying your butt, you now scan it and
enhance it using Photoshop.
- 4. After months of taking frequent breaks, you now only require a single can of
coke to belch the names of all seven dwarves.
- 3. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of
- 2. The 18-hole 3 par mini-golf course in your office.
- 1. The 4th Division of Paper Clips has overrun the Push pin Infantry and General
White-Out has called for a new skirmish.
- The New Teacher
Here goes Little Johnny being smart in class again . . . A new teacher is trying to make
use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're
stupid, stand up."
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're
"No, ma'am," he says,"but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theater, he walked
over and whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you are allowed only one seat."
The man moaned but didn't budge. "Sir, If you don't move, I'll have to call the manager!"
said the usher more loudly. The man moaned again but stayed where he was. The usher left and
returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the
The cop looked at the reclining man and said. "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe," he mumbled.
"And where are you from, Joe?"
- Prison vs Work
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.
This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the
mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts
to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of
the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks.
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
A hip young man goes out and buys a 1998 Ferrari GTO. It is the best and most expensive
car available in the world, costing about $500,000.00. He takes it out for a spin, and while
stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up
next to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car
ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1998 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half a million
"That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what this car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a
dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see whit it could be, and suddenly, whhhoooossshh! Something whips by him,
going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks
himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot doming towards Whooooooosh! It goes by again,
heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!!
Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot
in his rear view mirror! Whooooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped
and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, "You're
badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner,
her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his
study for schnapps.
"So, what are your plans?" the father asks the fiance."
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a
nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "...and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the fiance
insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "So, now? How did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the
road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in
front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. A
woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled
over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The
woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and
pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents
of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its
paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 metres away the rabbit stopped, turned
around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 metres, turned, waved,
and hopped another 50 metres.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's
spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can?
What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and
sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading
straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and
behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Anxious to strike up a conversation, he
blurts out, "So where are you flying to today?"
She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago."
Whoa! He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with excitement! Here's the most
gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him, and she's going to a meeting
of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's
your role at this convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try
to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.
"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
"Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when,
in fact, it is the Native American who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular
myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Jewish men who romance
women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says,
"I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name!"
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein.
- 10 WORDS THAT DON'T EXIST, BUT SHOULD:
- AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub
faucet on and off with your toes.
- CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a
string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up,
examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
- DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor
by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
- ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a
- FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan
and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep
it under the rug.
- LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on
a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
- PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be
walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
- PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone umber and forgetting whom
you were calling just as they answer.
- PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to
- TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring
at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
- Expensive Car
A lady always wanted an expensive car. She scrimps and saves . . . and eventually
plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced,
kick-ass, dream mobile. She's driving off . . . and decides she wants some music.
The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button,
that gizmo . . . jiggles these and jiggles those . . . but finally gives up. Can't
find the darn radio!!
Furious... she races back to the dealership. The salesman assures her
that the radio is right there in front of her. It's hooked into the
onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates:
"Classical", he says. *click* The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he
says.... and *click*.... a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off amazed. "Country", she says... and *click* .... a Garth Brooks tune
comes on. "Folk"... *click* .... Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol'
Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.....
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.
Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. "ASSHOLE!!!" she screams. ...
"Good morning, everyone. You're listening to the Rush Limbaugh Show"
- How many members of your sign does it take to change a lightbulb?
ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless
GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is supposed
to do it and how it's supposed to be done!
CANCER: Just one. but it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief
LEO: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to
do the job for them while they're out.
VIRGO: Approximately 1.00000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No -- on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?
SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones
in the Star Chamber of the ancient Hierarchial Order.
SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us,
and you're inside worrying about a stupid burnt-out light bulb?
CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so...
PISCES: Lightbulb? What lightbulb?
- Business Consultant
An ambitious business consultant finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. ...at least for awhile.
A hurricane came unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found
himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing.
Only bananas and coconuts.
Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So for the next four months he
ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea,
hoping to spot a rescue ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.
It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to
him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when my cruise ship
"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there?
You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
island, the oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches,
and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or hardware, how did
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a
very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain
temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and
used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said.
"Where do you live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then" she said. After a few minutes of rowing, she
docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the
boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare
As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit
down please; would you like to have a drink?
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave, there is a razor
upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was
a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to
its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -- strategically positioned --
and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she
began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time.
You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now,
something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean-- ?", he replied, "-- I can check my
e-mail from here?"
A guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50.00 that no one here has a
musical instrument that this octopus can't play."
The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a
look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing. The octopus's owner pockets the
Next guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
it's lips and starts playing a fantastic jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to
the octopus's owner.
The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments
later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
octopus, "Now, if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."
The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts them up, turns them over, has another look
from another angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner interrupts his pet's concentration, saying,
"What are you messing around for? Hurry up and play it!"
The octopus say's "Play it? Huh?!? I was trying to figure out how to take off it's
A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds
himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways
and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions.
After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and
talking to people through their car windows. When the guy reaches him he rolls down his
window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?"
The guy on the freeways says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but OJ Simpson has
sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught,
and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the
Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if
people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I've taken up
a collection to try to end the traffic jam."
"How much have you gotten so far?"
"About ten gallons."
- THE DIAGNOSIS
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband
is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If
you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning,
fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good
mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an
especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably
had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make
his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband
several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for
the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the
doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.
- THE AGE OF CONSENT
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with
the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat
reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly
knitting. He stopped to investigate He walked up to the driver's window
and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down,
and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What
does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked,
"And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and
replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked,
"How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is
she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said,
"Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day
wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a
Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, you...outside, standing like a
schmuck...eh?" Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it!.
The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front
of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst
reddin Yiddish?" Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks
Yiddish?" "What did you expect? Chinese maybe?" In a matter of moments,
Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the
parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In
Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to
America. About how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride.
About his family. About his years of working in the garment center. About
Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The
parrot told him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends.
They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The
parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the
parrot wanted to pray too. Meyer went out and hand-made a miniature
yamulke [skullcap] for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to read
Hebrew so Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot,
teaching him Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as
a friend and a Jew. He was lonely no more. One morning, on Rosh Hashona,
Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded
to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not place for a bird
but the parrot made a terrific argument and was carried to the synagogue
on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi. At first, he
refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Meyer
convinced him to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could
pray. Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even
odds) that the parrot could NOT pray, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew,
etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched
on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a peep
from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and
mumbling under his breath, "Pray already!" The parrot said nothing.
"Pray...parrot, you can pray, so pray...come on, everybody's looking at
you!" The parrot said nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were
concluded, Meyer found that he owed his synagogue buddies and the Rabbi
over four thousand dollars. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing.
Finally several blocks from the temple the bird began to sing an old
Yiddish song and was happy as a lark. Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I
taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the
Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on Rosh
Hashona, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot
replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur!"
- Things you would never hear a southerner say:
- Be sure to bring my salad
dressing on the side.
- Cappuccino tastes better
- Deer heads detract from the
- Do you think my hair is too
- Does the salad bar have bean
- Elvis who?
- Give me the small bag of
- Has anybody seen the sideburn
- Hey, here's an episode of
"Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
- Honey, did you mail that
donation to Greenpeace?
- Honey, these bonsai trees
- I believe you cooked those
green beans too long.
- I don't have a favorite
- I just couldn't find a thing
at Wal-Mart today.
- I thought Graceland was
- I'll have grapefruit instead
of biscuits and gravy.
- I'll have the arugula and
- I've got it all on a floppy
- I've got two cases of Zima
for the Super Bowl.
- Little Debbie snack cakes
have too many fat grams.
- My fiance, Paula Jo, is
registered at Tiffany's.
- No kids in the back of the
pick-up, it's not safe.
- She's too old to be wearing
- Spitting is such a nasty
- The tires on that truck
are too big.
- Those shorts ought to be
a little longer, Darla.
- Trim the fat off that steak.
- Unsweetened tea tastes better.
- We don't keep firearms in
- We're vegetarians.
- Who's Richard Petty?
- Would you like your fish
poached or broiled?
- Wreslin's fake.
- You can't feed that to the