The Calico Chronicles,
an exploration of the nature and quality of happiness.
Best jokes volume 3
Laugh out loud at our hilarious jokes, and wince at the bad ones, or select another category from the menu.
Oneliners
Sexual Jokes
Tech Jokes
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Best Jokes Vol. 1
Best Jokes Vol. 2
Best Jokes Vol. 3
Personality Test
Reality
Experience California
Fall Jokes
Spring Jokes
Political Jokes
Princess Di Jokes (Vol. 1)
Princess Di Jokes (Vol. 2)

  1. Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee
    1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
    2. Pronounce all one syllable words with two.
    3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
    4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
    5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
    6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
    7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)
    8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
    9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
    10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
    11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
    12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
    13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can". (Amen)
    14. Put Tabasco on everything.
    15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"
    16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
    17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)
    18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
    19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
    20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
    21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
    22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations...Offends the heck out of 'em.
    23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
    24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
    25. Call 'em a yankee. Works every time.
  2. Science
    Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
  3. Seeing Eye Dogs
    There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

    They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

    The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

    The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

  4. Car Maintainence
    Judi was bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio -- what could possibly go wrong?

    At that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait later, she saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

    "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?

    Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

    "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

    "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

    "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

    Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

  5. Actual ad in New York Post
    FOR SALE BY OWNER

    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.

  6. What Would You Like To Hear?
    3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

    The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

    The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

    The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!"

  7. Bus
    An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls.

    As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

    The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

  8. Soda Machine
    There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

    Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.

    As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

    She looked at him and indignantly replied, "Well Duhhh! I'm still winning"

  9. Bear
    In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean bear. In all his fears, his attempt to shoot the bear was unsuccessful. He turned away and started to run as fast as he could. Finally, he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. But, he got on his knees, opened his arms and said, "My God! Please give this bear some religion!"

    Then, there was lightning in the air and the bear stopped just a few feet short of the hunter. The bear was puzzled and looked up in the air and said, "My God! Thank you for the food I am about to receive... "

  10. Engineers
    Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy their own ticket, while the Apple engineers buy a single ticket. One of the Microsoft employees sees this and asks one of the Apple guys, "How are three people going to travel on just one ticket?"

    "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer. They all board the train. The Microsoft employees take seats, but the Apple engineers all cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train leaves the station, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

    The Microsoft employees see this and agree it's a clever idea, so they decide to copy the Apple engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft employee.

    "Watch and you'll see," one of the Apple engineers replies. When they board the train, the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the one where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

  11. Halloween
    A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.

    The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action".

    She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they took care of business. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one helluva time!"

  12. You see there was this bar
    The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

    The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.

    The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

    Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

    Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

  13. Bridge
    The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named for Harvard.
  14. WHAT THE JOB AD SAYS / WHAT IT MEANS
    Work processing skills essential
    There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future

    Salary range $24,000- $32,000
    The salary is $24,000

    Civil service
    This job was filled from the inside six months ago

    Women and minorities encouraged
    White males need not waste the stamp to apply

    Top-notch communications skills
    Telemarketing

    Salary negotiable
    We'll take the lowest bidder

    Advancement opportunity
    Crappy job

    Entry level
    Really a crappy job

    No experience necessary
    The mother of all crap jobs

    Administrative assistant:
    Crap job with a title.

    Ground floor opportunity:
    Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

    Progressive company:
    Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

    Team player:
    Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

    Upbeat personality:
    Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

    Public relations:
    Receptionist

    Professional appearance important:
    $20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe

    Pleasant telephone manner:
    Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

    Jeans job!
    Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

    Will train:
    Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

    B.A. required, master's preferred:
    Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

    Outstanding benefits package:
    Health insurance.

    Tons of variety!
    We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.

    Beautiful offices in attractive location:
    Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

    Secretary:
    Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

    Executive secretary:
    The most powerful position in the company

    Dedicated:
    You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

    Salary commensurate:
    We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

    Competitive salary:
    We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

    Competitive starting salary:
    Ten cents above minimum wage.

    Pleasant atmosphere:
    A staff of pod people.

    Professional atmosphere:
    Zombie pod people.

    Fun, creative atmosphere:
    Pod people from hell.

    Dynamic atmosphere:
    Zombie pod people from hell.

    Gal Friday:
    Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

    Self-starter:
    Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what

  15. Paper Shredder
    The new office boy stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary walking by asked.

    "Yes," he replied, "how do you work this thing."

    "Simple," she said quickly taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it to the shredder.

    "Thanks," he said as he watched the report disappear, "But where do the copies come out?"

  16. Latex Tour
    A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

    "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

    Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!'

    "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

    "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

    "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

    "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

  17. 75 years
    A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

    The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

    The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

    Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, "You."

  18. Alligator
    A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

    The crowd murmured their approval.

    The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

    The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

    "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd.

    After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

  19. Lunch
    An Irishman, a Mexican and an Oklahoma redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage One more time for lunch I'm going to jump off of this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Oklahoma redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."

    Next day - The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. the Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The Oklahoma redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!

    The Mexican's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him two tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

    Everyone turned and stared at the Oklahoma redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

  20. Bad Day
    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!

    Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

    I politely said, "This is and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

    Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

    After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

    Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

    It would always cheer me up.

    Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

    Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

    The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.

    [Keep reading, it gets better.]

    On another day, This old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.

    I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"

    The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

    I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

    A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

    I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,"Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

    "Yes, it is."

    "Can you tell me where I can see it?"

    "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

    I said, "What's your name?"

    "My name is Don Hansen."

    "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

    "I'm home in the evenings."

    "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

    "Yes,"

    "Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

    After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For awhile things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

    I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

    First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,"Hello."

    I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.

    The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

    I said, "Yeah."

    He said, "Stop calling me."

    I said, "No."

    He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

    I said, "Don Hansen."

    He said "Where do you live?"

    "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."

    "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

    "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

    Then I called Jackass #2.

    He answered, "Hello."

    I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

    He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

    "You'll what?"

    "I'll kick your ass."

    "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"

    And I hung up.

    Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

    Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on near 1800 W. 34th Street.

    After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.

    Glorious!

    Watching two Jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!