- Creative Writing
A university creative writing class was
asked to write a concise essay containing these four
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did
A psychiatrist gets a new job at an insane asylum, and he's making his
rounds for the first time.
"What's your name?" he asks the first patient he
"I am Napoleon!" the patient replies.
"How do you know that?" asks the doctor.
"God told me so."
"I did not!" yells a patient sitting nearby.
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over
the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip
of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and
said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so
the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the
asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar
and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a
glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a
Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded,
so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman
and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got
up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you
are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised
his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped
back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady
vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran
silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her
slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she
"Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I
must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right.
Everything's all right, go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best
friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't
torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I
- VINCENT'S RELATIVES
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh
There are many stories related to the sinking of the
"Titanic". Some have
just come to light due to the success of the recent movie.
For example, most people don't know that back in 1912,
Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The
"Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment
scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after New York
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of
mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as
Sinko de Mayo
- CLASSIC PUNS
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, 'How
much for a beer?'
The bartender replies, 'For you, no charge.'
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to
One says to the other, 'Are you all right?'
'No, Ilost an electron.'
'Are you sure?'
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's
Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that ...
you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in
the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second
one, naturally, became known as ...
the lesser of two weevils.
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm lookin' for the man who
shot my paw.'
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast
while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the
menu he says, 'I'll just have the eggs Benedict.' His order
comes a while later and it's served on a huge, fancy chrome
plate. He asks the waiter, 'What's with the fancy plate?' The
'There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.'
Heaven is a place where:
The lovers are Italian
The cooks are French
The mechanics are German
The police are English
The government is run by the Swiss
Hell is a place where:
The lovers are Swiss
The cooks are English
The mechanics are French
The police are German
The government is run by the Italians
A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate, so the driver eases over
onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.
Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle
where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats
and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of
the worst pile-ups occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows
up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down,"
says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the
road?" screams the cop. These are my emergency flashers!" replied the
- Ethnic Jokes
A man was talking to another man and said he was going to be circumcised and
would be out of commission for a while. The other man said, "I was
circumcised at birth and couldn't walk for a year."
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
A speech impediment.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins......'Y'all ain't gonna believe this
- Literary class
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well,
here's a prime example of the differences between Men and Women offered
by an English professor at Southern Methodist University: English 44A
SMU, Creative Writing.
Prof. Miller's in-class assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will
experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is
simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her
immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add
another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third
paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been
written each time in order keep the story coherent. The story is over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack Squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks
who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress
had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to
stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium
fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized
Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on
the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
- Funny Thoughts
1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your
day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound
they make as they go flying by.
3) Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4) I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5) Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a
6) There are very few personal problems that cannot be
solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along
8) Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
you're the statue.
9) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't
there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be
needing him again.
10) I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
11) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky
and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
12) My Reality Check bounced.
13) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the
14) I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15) You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through
16) Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are
crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17) Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18) Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his
level, then beat you with experience.
- Near Collision
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation
between a US naval ship near Newfoundland and Canadian
authorities in October, 1995:
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to
the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees
to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I
say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN,
THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC
FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-
FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.