The Calico Chronicles,
an exploration of the nature and quality of happiness.
Jokes from the fall of 1999
Laugh at jokes from the fall of 1999, and wince at the bad ones, or select another category from the menu.
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  1. Creative Writing
    A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
    1) religion
    2) royalty
    3) sex
    4) mystery

    The prize-winning essay read:
    "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"



  2. Asylum
    A psychiatrist gets a new job at an insane asylum, and he's making his rounds for the first time.
    "What's your name?" he asks the first patient he meets.
    "I am Napoleon!" the patient replies.
    "How do you know that?" asks the doctor.
    "God told me so."
    "I did not!" yells a patient sitting nearby.


  3. Drinking
    The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.

    With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

    The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.

    The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

    Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

    Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"



  4. Deathbed
    Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly.

    "My darling Jake," she whispered.

    "Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk." But she was insistent.

    "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

    "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

    "No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

    Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," he said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"



  5. VINCENT'S RELATIVES
    After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
    Among them were:
    His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh
    His dizzy aunt......................................Verti Gogh
    The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
    The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh
    The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
    The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
    The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
    The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
    His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
    His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh
    His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
    The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
    The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh
    The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh

    A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
    The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
    His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
    The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
    An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
    The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
    And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh


  6. Titanic
    There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

    The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

    It is known, of course, as



    Keep scrolling








    Sinko de Mayo



  7. CLASSIC PUNS
    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?'

    The bartender replies, 'For you, no charge.'

    _______________________________________________

    Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, 'Are you all right?' 'No, Ilost an electron.' 'Are you sure?' 'I'm positive.'

    ________________________________________________

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?

    He wanted to transcend dental medication.

    _______________________________________________

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that ...

    you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

    ________________________________________________

    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as ...

    the lesser of two weevils.

    _____________________________________________________

    A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.'

    ________________________________________________________

    This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, 'I'll just have the eggs Benedict.' His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge, fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, 'What's with the fancy plate?' The waiter replies,

    'There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.'

    __________________________________________________


  8. Asylum
    Heaven is a place where:
           The lovers are Italian
           The cooks are French
           The mechanics are German
           The police are English
           The government is run by the Swiss
    
    Hell is a place where:
           The lovers are Swiss
           The cooks are English
           The mechanics are French
           The police are German
           The government is run by the Italians
    


  9. Blond
    A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate, so the driver eases over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. These are my emergency flashers!" replied the blonde!


  10. Ethnic Jokes
    A man was talking to another man and said he was going to be circumcised and would be out of commission for a while. The other man said, "I was circumcised at birth and couldn't walk for a year."

    Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

    Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.

    Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either.

    What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.

    Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

    What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

    What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

    What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins......'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....



  11. Literary class
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

    Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example of the differences between Men and Women offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University: English 44A SMU, Creative Writing.

    Prof. Miller's in-class assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

    The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."

    STORY:

    ==========================================

    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

    =======================================

    Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack Squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

    =======================================

    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

    =======================================

    Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

    =======================================

    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

    ===================================

    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

    ====================================

    Asshole.

    ===================================

    Bitch.

    =====================================

    The End



  12. Funny Thoughts


    1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

    2) I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

    3) Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

    4) I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

    5) Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

    6) There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

    7) Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

    8) Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

    9) Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

    10) I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

    11) Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

    12) My Reality Check bounced.

    13) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

    14) I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

    15) You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

    16) Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

    17) Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

    18) Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, then beat you with experience.



  13. Near Collision


    This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship near Newfoundland and Canadian authorities in October, 1995:

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT

    YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE- FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.