- "STARR - I - ARE" -- a newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss
I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there --
I did not do that
I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
I do not like you
I think that you
Have gone too far.
I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!
The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!
- Clinton and the Pope
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets was
to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all
of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told,
however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct
the error The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his
good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was
on his way down, and they stop to chat.
Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that? It's not that great
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late.
- THE HYPOCRISY METER
"Do you admit or deny that you are the chief law enforcement officer of
the United States?" So commences Henry Hyde's eighty-one-gun salute to the chief
executive, a round of admit-or-deny queries fired off to
President Clinton as a prelude to the Judiciary Committee's
express-track Zippergate hearings. Let's consider the qualifications of
the 435-member prosecution team, who, if Hyde sticks to his schedule,
may well vote on articles of impeachment by year's end.
No fewer than thirty members of the current House and Senate--most of
them just re-elected--have confessed to, been convicted of or been
credibly documented as violating laws or Congressional ethics rules.
Among the House side of the Dirty Thirty--ranging from mouthy but
obscure back-benchers all the way up to new Speaker-apparent Bob
Livingston--are at least two Representatives who have been caught
employing prostitutes, two alleged serial sexual harassers, four who
covered up knowledge of felonies in the Iran/contra scandal and six who
have attempted to use their influence to win favor for convicted
criminals. And that's just the current Congress.
Since 1971, at least
thirty-nine members have been convicted and gone to prison.
Only a handful of transgressions--like Newt Gingrich's cruelty to his
critically ill first wife--are well known. Here are queries for a few
other members of the Impeachment Militia. (Some of these cases are
detailed in Stanley Hilton and Anne-Renee Testa's new bipartisan field
guide from St. Martin's, Glass Houses: Shocking Profiles of
Congressional Sex Scandals and Other Unofficial Misconduct.)
Dick Armey (R-Texas): Do you admit or deny that as an economics
professor before entering Congress, you sexually harassed female
students, as reported in the Dallas Observer? The claims involve as many as eight female
students of Prof. Armey, and the university's disciplinary investigation was terminated
when Armey quit to go to Washington. Ever wonder why Armey hangs so far in the background
John Peterson (R-Pennsylvania): Do you admit or deny sexual harassment and
hostile-work-environment claims by six women? (Peterson: "I may have been an excessive hugger.")
Foreign Funny-Money and Campaign Finance
Dan Burton (R-Indiana): Do you admit or deny that in 1997 you accepted
illegal contributions from Sikh temples and from Zaire's reviled despot
Mobuto Sese Seko, returned only after negative publicity? Do you admit
or deny that you tried to extort a sizable donation from a lobbyist for
Tom ("The Exterminator") DeLay (R-Texas): Do you admit or deny that in 1995
you drummed up Congressional support for an easing of anti-dumping regulations sought
by a Mexican cement company for which your brother was the lobbyist?
Jay Kim (R-California): Do you admit or deny that between 1994 and '96
you received $230,000 in illegal contributions from South Korean
corporations? Oops, you've already admitted it in a plea bargain, which
is why you're wearing that electronic ankle bracelet and why your wife
calls you "the most crime-committing person I know." You were defeated
in a Republican primary, but if Hyde stays on schedule you'll still get
to vote on Clinton's impeachment, ankle bracelet and all.
Helen Chenoweth (R-Idaho): Do you admit or deny that in 1994 you
accepted illegal campaign contributions originating in Hong Kong? And do
you admit or deny that you failed to disclose $50,000 in under-the-table
financing for your 1994 campaign, delaying an admission of fault until
one day after the House deadline for filing ethics complaints?
Bill McCollum (R-Florida): Do you admit or deny that you paid your top
Washington aide $100,000 in ethically dubious "consulting fees" for
Obstruction of Justice
Would-be Speaker Livingston (R-Louisiana), McCollum, Hyde and Bob Stump (R-Arizona):
Do you admit or deny that you were informed by Robert McFarlane of illegal contra funding,
as documented in Oliver North's diaries, making you accessories?
There's a lot circulating about Livingston that's too hot to print, for now, at any event.
Let's see next month...
Bob Barr (R-Georgia): Do you admit or deny that though you were the
principal sponsor of the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act, you've sustained
two divorces and are on Wife 3? That your wives nos. 1 and 2 each had to resort
to legal process to compell your payment of child support and alimony? And do you admit or
deny that at a celebrity fundraiser in 1992, you licked whipped cream from the fully exposed
breasts of two women on your campaign staff? This is evidently "family values" from the
source. A major Georgia paper's still tinkering with a story on it, in any event.
Burton and J.C. Watts (R-Oklahoma): Do you admit or deny you spent years covering up your
out-of-wedlock children? (Watts motto: "Character is simply doing right when no one is
Ken Calvert (R-California): You've said, "We can't forgive what occurred
between the President and Lewinsky." Do you admit or deny that you were caught by police
in 1993 receiving oral sex from a prostitute and attempted to flee the scene? That you
lied about it repeatedly when questioned by the police? Do you admit or deny that even
though you are a principal water-carrier for the Christian Coalition, you've been
sued as an alimony deadbeat by your ex-wife?
Henry Hyde (R-Illinois): Never mind that five-year "youthful
indiscretion" that started at age 41. Do you admit or deny that while on
the board of an S&L, you were sued by federal bank regulators for
participating in decisions that cost taxpayers millions, even as you
served the S&L industry's interests in Congress? And Henry's such a champion of
consistency. Perjury by Oliver North was "understandable and excusable" when it
was a series of flagrant, calculated lies under oath to Congress aimed at thwarting
foreign policy legislation, but lies by a president about a sexual daliance was
"unforgivable" and "warrant the severest sanction available."
Should the indictment of President Clinton move to the Senate:
Strom Thurmond (R-South Carolina): Do you admit or deny that facts
appear to corroborate the story that you fathered an African-American
child whom you supported while you were your state's segregationist
governor? Do you admit or deny that your staff calls you "The
The Dirty Thirty make the current Congress a community with a
lawbreaking rate roughly four times that of the general population.
Twenty-three of the Dirty Thirty are Republicans, suggesting that GOP
politicians are a decidedly at-risk population: three times as likely as
Democrats to commit legal or ethical violations (or at least three times
as likely to get caught). This record of fungible ethics provides
essential context for the impeachment machine clanking into motion.
In the words of Mark Twain: "Congress is America's only genuine criminal
class." © The Nation 11/30/98
- Lewinsky to Reblow Clinton
WASHINGTON, DC. 6 Feb 1999 -- On the heels of last week's decision to
allow witness testimony in the presidential impeachment trial, key
witness Monica Lewinsky was subpoenaed Monday to re-blow president
Clinton on the Senate floor.
The controversial re-fellating, which, under the terms of the court
order, will involve the full participation of both Lewinsky and the
president, was described by Senate leaders as a "regrettable but
unfortunately very necessary" move.
"This trial is not about sex, it's about perjury," Senate Majority
Leader Trent Lott (R-MS) said. "Our job is to determine whether or not
the president lied under oath. Although the Starr Report contained many
detailed descriptions, until we see for ourselves, with our own eyes,
exactly what took place during these secret rendezvous between the
president and Miss Lewinsky, we won't have all the facts necessary to
determine if the president's statements before the grand jury
constituted a crime."
In addition to fellatio, Lewinsky and Clinton will be required to
reenact several other key sex acts in which the pair allegedly engaged,
including but not limited to: deep or "French" kissing,
under-the-sweater fondling, and vaginal penetration with various
Responding to outraged Clinton defense lawyers, who denounced the
reenactment as "a blatant attempt on the part of political enemies of
this administration to humiliate the president," chief prosecutor
Rep. Henry Hyde (R-IL) insisted that it is necessary to ensure a fair
"How can we rule objectively in this case without all the details? Yes,
we know that the president inserted a cigar into Miss Lewinsky's vagina,
but just how many inches of it did he manage to work all the way up
inside there?" Hyde asked. "What were their exact facial expressions at
key moments of ecstatic release? To what extent did Miss Lewinsky's
ample bosom bounce to and fro as she vigorously bobbed her head up and
down? Precisely how much of the president's erect penis was Miss
Lewinsky physically able to force deep into the back of her throat? Was
there gagging involved? Were the president's balls, at any point in the
proceedings, licked? If we do not explore every possible detail of
these shocking improprieties, we will never know the answers to these
vital questions of national security.
"If president Clinton has any respect for the Constitution and the
citizens of this nation," Hyde added, "he will cooperate fully in these
proceedings and allow himself to be sucked off with calm, reserved
dignity, without resorting to partisan name-calling. Nothing less than
the very future of our country is at stake."
More controversy is expected Friday, when Senate debate is scheduled to
begin on the issue of whether the crucial cocksuckings will be
televised. Though Clinton defense lawyers are fighting to have the
reenactments performed in a closed-door session, most senators are
demanding that they be included in the regular televised broadcasts of
the trial, citing the imperative of the public's "right to know."
"If, as the president says, he is innocent of perjury, with nothing to
hide, he should have no reason to fear providing full disclosure --
including full frontal nudity, if necessary -- before the American
people," Sen. Phil Gramm (R-TX) said. "As elected officials, we have
taken a solemn oath to serve the interests of those we represent. If we
fail to provide the public with the whole truth -- no matter how sordid,
depraved, perverse or even vicariously titillating it may be -- we have
failed in our duty to the people of this nation."
In the event that television cameras are allowed, as is expected,
complete coverage of the presidential fellating, as well as related
"second-" and "third-base" sex acts, will be aired live on
C-SPAN. Highlight footage of particularly critical segments, such as
genital/anal contact and ejaculation, will also be broadcast on all the
prime-time network newscasts.
Due to the enormous public interest in the scandal, as well as the ease
of global dissemination via television and the Internet, footage of the
Senate-floor coupling is expected to rank among the most widely seen in
history, with near-constant re-airings on cable TV likely to last well
beyond the year 2015. Many Americans are expressing alarm over such a
"How am I supposed to explain to my six-year-old daughter that the
president is fucking some girl's mouth on TV?" asked Lorraine Sanders,
associate director of Do It for the Children Foundation and a staunch
presidential-penis-penetration opponent. "For God's sake, she's only a
child. An innocent child!"
"This trial is not the sort of thing our kids should be exposed to,"
said concerned parent Judith LaFleur, who is leading a campaign to place
content-warning labels on federal legislators. "Watching the president
get his cock feverishly sucked is for mature, responsible adults only."
Despite the public outcry, those legislators who are demanding the
re-blowings remain adamant that the proceedings be televised uncensored
and in their entirety, calling it "a matter of ethics."
"This may be the most important issue ever faced by Congress in its
210-year history," Hyde said. "We are talking about the possible removal
of the highest elected official in the land, and that is not the sort of
matter that should be trivialized."
- New Commandment
Last week a very important meeting took place between God and the Pope.
They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving
in an inappropriate manner. They decided that the only course of action
was to create an 11th commandment.
But the problem remained, exactly how to word this new commandment so that
it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration.
After great meditation and discussion, they finally got it right.
THOU SHALT NOT COMFORT THY ROD WITH THY STAFF.
- Perfect anagram
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
- This is from a contest on Long Island.
The requirements were to use the
words "Lewinsky and Kaczynski" in a limerick. Here are the 3
Entry # 1
There once was a gal named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
on this flute made of beef
that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choice of how to be blown.
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at
the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"