The Calico Chronicles,
an exploration of the nature and quality of happiness.
Are you aware there is no reality?
Oneliners
Sexual Jokes
Tech Jokes
Religion Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Best Jokes Vol. 1
Best Jokes Vol. 2
Best Jokes Vol. 3
Personality Test
Reality
Experience California
Fall Jokes
Spring Jokes
Political Jokes
Princess Di Jokes (Vol. 1)
Princess Di Jokes (Vol. 2)

  1. Oregon Whale
    I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects.

    So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.

    So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens.

    Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.

    This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the average IQ of their employees.

  2. Performance Evaluations
    Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:
    • "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
    • "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
    • "I would not allow this employee to breed."
    • "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
    • "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
    • "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
    • "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
    • "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
    • "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
    • "This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better."
    • "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
    • "Hope you guy's get this, if not tooooooooooo bad..."
  3. Safety Announcement: Bear Warning
    If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and Summer, please note the following public service announcement: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country.

    The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears. Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Kodiak/brown bears. One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those are the droppings that contain those tiny bells.

  4. Why did the chicken cross the road?
    • ARTHUR ANDERSON: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing and enterprise wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
    • KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
    • PLATO: For the greater good.
    • ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
    • KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
    • TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
    • SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
    • JACK NICHOLSON: 'cause it f.....g wanted to. That's the f.....g reason.
    • RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
    • CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
    • HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
    • JOHNNY ROTTEN: Because it was stapled to the punk rocker.
    • JOHNNY CARSON: Because it heard there was a man over there laying bricks and it wanted to see for itself!
    • LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
    • MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
    • MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
    • FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
    • RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
    • MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
    • JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
    • FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
    • BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your cheque book.
    • OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
    • DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
    • EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
    • BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
    • RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road... it transcended it.
    • COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
    • ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
  5. GREAT MARKETING SCREW-UPS
    • Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
    • Scandinavian vacuum cleaner manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
    • Clairol introduced their "Mist Stick" curling iron into Germany, only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for a "Manure Stick."
    • When Gerber Started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
    • Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porn mag.
    • An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
    • Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave," in Chinese.
    • Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
    • The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with was," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le," translating into "happiness in the mouth."
    • When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.
  6. Essay
    This essay comes from an unknown writer, but apparently got the person accepted into a good school.
    3A. ESSAY
    IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

    I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

    I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty- Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

    But I have not yet gone to college.

  7. Airplane Windshields
    The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air- craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.

    The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.

    They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.

  8. S.Africans take flamethrower aboard to fight crime
    JOHANNESBURG, Dec 11 (Reuters) - Crime-obsessed South Africans have a new and potent weapon with which to deter potential criminals -- the in-car flamethrower.

    Casting a man-high fireball with no damage to the paintwork, the aptly named Blaster has been fitted to 25 South African vehicles since its launch last month. At 3,900 rand ($655), it offers a cheap and dramatic defence against would-be car hijackers. It has also yet to be deemed illegal.

    South African courts sanction lethal action if they can be persuaded that someone acted in defence of his or her life -- not unheard-of in a country that suffered over 13,000 car hijackings last year.

    The Blaster fires liquified gas from a bottle in the vehicle boot through two nozzles, positioned under the front doors, which is then ignited by an electric spark, with ferocious consequences.

    Both sides fire simultaneously, regardless of whether the attack is coming from just one side of the vehicle -- or whether passersbys are on the other side.

    "My personal feeling is that it would definitely blind a person -- he will never see again," said Charl Fourie, the Blaster's 33-year-old inventor.

    But he dismissed fears that the flamethrower -- whose breadth and depth of blast can be adjusted to need and is supplied by gas cannisters in sizes from three to nine kgs (6.6 to 19.8 pounds) -- could ever be responsible for a death. "This is definitely non-lethal...A person won't just stand there and let you roast him," he said.

    Fourie has filed an international patent application and anticipates thousands of orders, nationally and from abroad. "The demand is huge," he told Reuters Television. South Africa has an appalling reputation for violent crime and its first national survey, published on Thursday, found that 20 percent of households had experienced at least one incident in 1997.

    Car hijacking is one of the crimes South Africans most fear, with criminals often using weapons and showing little or no hesitation to kill for a car.

    Police Superintendent David Walkley of Johannesburg's crime intelligence unit was the Blaster's first customer and is satisfied it is all above board -- provided it is used corectly. "There is nothing that says this is illegal. It depends entirely on the circumstances and whether you can justify self-defence.

    "Yes, there are certain risks in using it, but there are also risks in not having anything at all," he said.

  9. Exxon Oil Spill
    The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
  10. Mental disturbance
    A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
  11. Terrorist Bomb
    Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
  12. Translation
    Did you know about Altavista's translation service? You give it a URL, and it will display the page, translated from French, German, Italian, Portuguese, or Spanish, into English. You can also type in text and it will translate it to or from English.
  13. Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
    AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

    Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up...

    An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...

    A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...

  14. Warning Labels
    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

    On Sears hair dryer:
    Do not use while sleeping.

    On a bag of Fritos:
    You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

    On a bar of Dial soap:
    Directions: Use like regular soap.

    Some Swanson frozen dinners:
    Serving suggestion: Defrost.

    On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
    Fits one head.

    On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
    Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

    On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
    Product will be hot after heating

    On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
    Do not iron clothes on body

    On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
    Do not drive car or operate machinery

    On Nytol (a sleep aid):
    Warning: may cause drowsiness

    On a Korean kitchen knife:
    Warning keep out of children

    On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
    For indoor or outdoor use only.

    On a Japanese food processor:
    Not to be used for the other use

    On Sainsbury's Peanuts
    Warning: contains nuts

    On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
    Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

    On a Swedish chain saw:
    Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

  15. D.A.R.E. PROGRAM WARNING It is a sick world.
    The police officer that works with the DARE program at my husband's elementary school passed this warning on to us and now I share it with you....

    If you're ever driving after dark and see an on-coming car with no headlights turned on, DO NOT flash your lights at them! This is a common gang member "initiation game" that goes like this: the new gang member under initiation drives along with no headlights and the first car to flash their headlights at him is now his "target".

    He is now required to turn around and chase that car and shoot at or into the car in order to complete his initiation requirements.

  16. THIS IS NOT A JOKE!
    Watch out for a new trend that's occurring. Drug users are now taking their used needles and putting them into the coin return slots in public telephones. People are putting their fingers in to recover coins or just to check for change and are getting stuck by these needles, which are infected with hepatitis, HIV, and other diseases. This message is intended to make everyone aware of this danger. Parents be aware! Kids are naturally drawn to check for change. The change isn't worth it! This information came straight from phone company workers, through an EMT instructor, advising the paramedics to be aware of this new trend.
  17. Yesterday a Fed Ex courrier came in off the road and told me
    He went to deliver a pkg...he knocked on door....reply came "who is it?" He answered Fed Ex.

    He waited 2 minutes no one came to the door....he knocked again....reply came "who is it?" He answer Fed EX!.....he waited another couple of minutes no one came to door. He figured I'll give it one more try....He knocked again...the same reply came "who is it?" He said LADY ITS FED EX....figuring maybe she was hard of hearing.....but no one came to the door......

    On his way down the driveway a car pulled up and a lady stepped out and said "you have a package for me?" in the same voice as the person who said "who is it?"

    He told her what happened when he knocked on her door.... she then showed him her "who is it" parrot :)