- The Pope's Tour
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the
airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for
awhile. Well, the chauffeur knew he couldn't say no to the Pope, so he climbed into the back
of the limo while the Pontiff took the wheel.
The Pope proceeded to hop on Route 95 and
started accelerating to see what the limo could do. He had the limo to about 90 miles per hour
when, WHAM!, the friendly blue lights of the State Police appeared in his mirror.
The Pope pulled over and the trooper came to his window. The trooper instantly saw who it
was and figured it would be better if he called in for procedure. The trooper radioed in and
asked for the chief:
"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do." The chief
"Who is it, not Ted again?"
"No," said he trooper, "even more important."
"Oh no, have you pulled the Governor over?"
"No, even more important."
"Whoa! Don't tell me you've pulled over the President?!"
"No, more important," replied the trooper.
"Who could be more important than the President?!" screams the chief.
"I don't know who it is," says the trooper. "All I know is he's got the Pope as his
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in
packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a whilepand she'spreally hot. I want the
condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me,
she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his
purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but
continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
- Catholic Mass
A devout Catholic woman was running late to Church slipped and fell, skinning her elbows
and knees, and splitting her skirt. Dazed and confused, she glanced up a saw a man staring at
her from the Church steps.
"Are you OK ?" he asked.
"Yes, but is Mass out?" she asked.
"No ma'am," he replied, "but your hat is on crooked."
- Last Supper
Every year, just before Easter, the Chief Rabbi in Rome goes to the Vatican and presents
an ancient, and by now quite tattered envelope to the Pope. The Pope inspects the envelope,
shakes his head, and hands it back to the Chief Rabbi, who then departs.
This has been going on for nearly two thousand years. One year recently, it happened that
there was a new Pope and a new Chief Rabbi. When the Chief Rabbi presented the ancient envelope
to the Pope, as he had been instructed to do by his predecessor, the Pope looked it over and
handed it back as he had been told to, in turn, by his predecessor . . . but then the Pope
said, "This is an unusual ritual. I don't understand it. What is in this envelope?"
"Damned if I know," answered the Chief Rabbi. "I'm new here myself. But, hey, let's open it
and find out."
"Good idea," said the Pope. So together, they slowly and carefully opened the envelope.
And do you know what they found? The caterer's bill for the Last Supper!
- The Pope and The Seven Dwarfs
The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative
religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in
"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not".
"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions.
"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a
penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally
stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he
would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which the priest says no. He
baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks
a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big
The Priest says, "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" The Fisherman responds
(THINKING QUICKLY), "I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called - a
"Oh, I'm sorry", replied the Priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings
the fish to the church and spots the Bishop. "Eminence, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!"
"Please Father", said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."
"No, you don't understand", said the Priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught
it. I caught this son-of-a-bitch!"
"Hmmm", said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this son-of-a-bitch and we could
have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother
Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior could you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner
"My lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior.
"No, Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch! Father
caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
"Hmmm", replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that son-of-a-bitch tonight." Well, the
Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks
where they got it. "I caught the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Priest.
"And I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Bishop.
"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!", said the Mother Superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts
his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright".
- The Cabby and the Nun
A cabby picked up a nun. As he was driving her to her destination, they started to talk.
The cabby said, "Sister, I've always had a fantasy about nuns." She asked him to go on. "I'm
embarrassed to say, but I've always thought it would be great to get a blow job froma nun."
"Well, I could help you out there, but first I must know tha tyou are not married and that
you are Catholic"
"Oh yes Sister, I'm a single Catholic." So she instructed him to turn into an alley.
After the deed was done and they were back on the road, the cabby began to cry. The nun asked
what was wrong now and the cabby said, "Sister, I feel terrible because the truth is I'm
Jewish and I'm also married."
She said, "That's OK, I'm really Scott and you're taking me to a Halloween Party!"
- Similarities Between Jesus and Elvis
- Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel."
- Jesus is the Lord's shepherd.
Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd.
- Jesus was part of the Trinity.
Elvis' first band was a trio.
- Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
- Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members
Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had
- Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
- Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
- Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights.
Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana
splits for breakfast)
- Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25)
Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8)
- Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew)
Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute)
- "[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matthew 28:3)
Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts.
- Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land.
Elvis lived in Graceland in a
nearly eastern state.
- Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School.
- Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God.
Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios,
which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings.
- Jesus was the lamb of God.
Elvis had mutton chop sideburns.
- Jesus' Father is everywhere.
Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a
- Jesus was a carpenter.
Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop.
- Jesus wore a crown of thorns.
Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler.
- Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters.
Elvis Presley has 12 letters.
- No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stoodfor.
No one was really sure if
Elvis' middle name was "Aron"or "Aaron"
- Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate.
face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV.
- Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut
butter and bananas.
A nine year old boy came to his mother with a very troubled look on his face.
"Mom," he said, "is God a male or a female?"
"Well, that's a very hard question to answer," said his mom. "But the easiest way to
think of it is that God is both male and female."
A troubled look swept across the boy's face. "But Mom, is God black or white?"
The mother, with some concern about where this line of questions might end up, answered,
"I guess you would have to say that God is both black and white."
The boy was obviously filled with tremendous confusion as he started to form his third
question. The mother, by now, was becoming somewhat alarmed. She braced herself for the
next question. "Mom, is God gay or straight?" She took a deep breath and said, "God is both
gay and straight."
The look of total consternation melted away as the boy's face lit up. The mother sighed to
herself, relieved that he finally "got it."
"Mom?" he asked. "Is God Michael Jackson?"
- HEAVEN'S FULL
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be
done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask
everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go
ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell. The first man walks
up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite
full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good,
you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of
cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her.
Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the
bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him.
Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building,
and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat
at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat
his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I
got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the
strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died. "Wow!" St. Peter
said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..."
The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being
full and the man would have to tell his story. "Ok," the second man said.
"So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do
exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I
caught the railing of the balcony below me. But suddenly, this man came
running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I
thought I was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands
again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they
saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his
refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm
here." "Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..."
The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven
being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died. "Ok,"
the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside
of a refrigerator..."
- THE NEW PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When
I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So, the
next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his
- Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior, and Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
- We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the
grub, yeah G-d"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling
contest at St. Taffy's.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?" The blonde
replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets
together, eats turkey, and are thankful..." "Wrong!," replies St. Peter,
and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put
up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St.
Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her
she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks,
"What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter
in the eyes, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last
supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed
in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with
nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed
off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can
come out ... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of
- Elerderly Priest
An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during
Saturday confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his
congregation, "I'm tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession
that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me "I
have cheated with Anthony... I have cheated with Mary... I have cheated
with Frankie." I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when
you come into my confessional, you will say "I have fallen with Anthony,
or with Mary, or with Frankie." No more using the word CHEAT. It will be
About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a
younger man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of
words in the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday
confessions, the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to
him, "Mr. Mayor, you are going to have to do something about the
deplorable condition of the streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody
is telling me they are falling all over the place." The mayor immediately
understood the problem, and he leaned back in his chair and laughed.
priest was puzzled, and said, "Mr. Mayor, you shouldn't be laughing! Your
wife told me that just last week she fell three times!"