Dorothy is very upset as her husband, Albert, had just passed away.
She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the
instant she sees him, she starts wailing and crying.
One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears
she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black
suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the
bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he
The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last
moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the
attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through
her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
She asks the attendant "How did you manage to get hold of that
beautiful blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a deceased man about your
husband's size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit.
His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always
wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.
He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping
- Good Trade
A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as
President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that
the President has a pig under each arm. The Agent salutes and says,
"Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir." Clinton smiles and says,
"These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one
for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea." The Agent says, "Good
- 24 Hours
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a
24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." The angel
says, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses
drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to
see if I could do it first".
- Worst Day
A small man was sitting in a bar staring into his drink.
He didn't move for a half-an-hour when a big trouble-making truck driver
stepped up next to him, took the man's drink and guzzled it down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned
and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another
drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. today is the worst day of my life.
First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss
became outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it
was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab and
went home. After the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the
cab. I went in the house only to find my wife was in bed with the
I left home depressed and came to this bar." And now,
when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and
DRINK MY POISON!
Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very
lonely, so God asked him, "Adam, what is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he
was going to
give him a companion and it would be a woman. God told
Adam that this
person would cook for him, wash his clothes, would always
every decision Adam made. God continued, "She will bear
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to
take care of
them. She will never nag you and will always be the first to
she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will
never have a
headache and will freely give you love and compassion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost
God answered, "An arm and a leg."
Adam thought for a moment and then asked, "What could I
get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.
Political Aptitude Test
This test consists of one (1) multiple-choice question (so you better
get it right!)
Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since
the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum:
El Salvador 1980s
In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful
of human rights, occur as a direct result? Choose one of the following:
d) not a one
f) a whole number between -1 and +1
It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the Dice
table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants
to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm not wearing underwear."
With that she strips naked from the waist down. She then
rolls the dice
while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES!!! I
With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly
leaves. The other
two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of
them asks, "What
did she roll anyway?"
The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were
watching the dice!"
- Post Nuptual Contract
Whereas, the aggrieved party (husband) and the aggrieving
party (wife) have
been involved in a long standing dispute, and whereas we're
tired of arguing
over this stuff all the time, and whereas if you'd just listen to
see that I'm right.
Therefore come the parties together in a post-nuptial
agreement, which I
expect you to sign and then there's no need for further
Clause One: Whereas, there is one correct way to arrange
the furniture in
the living room, and whereas the husband's back is still sore
weekend when, after moving the chair into the corner for
about half an hour,
the wife made him carry it back to where it was in the first
place, it is now
understood by both parties that the furniture is in the correct
There is no need ever to move it again.
Clause Two: It seems like the husband just got the
Christmas decorations put
up and now you want them taken down! So the wife should
make up her mind.
If the house looks pretty with lights on it, why not leave them
awhile? The same is true for Halloween decorations, and
no, I do not think
it looks silly to have the scarecrow out there next to Santa
Claus. I think
it looks festive.
Clause Three: The wife shouldn't tell the husband that she is
fat and then
get all upset when he suggests ways to lose weight. The
husband is just
trying to help, for Pete's sake! And for the record, the
husband did NOT say
you were fat! YOU said you were fat. All I did was fail to
Clause Four: Whereas the wife already has like thirty-two
thousand pairs of
shoes, that's enough. The wife should stop buying clothes
for which she
doesn't have appropriate shoes.
Clause Five: The wife is allowed one "favorite part" of each
that's it. You can't keep saying "This is my favorite part" in
movie. And stop asking me what my favorite part is,
because the answer is
"none." I wanted to watch Die Hard again!
Clause Six: Speaking of movies, for every movie with
subtitles that the wife
wants to see, the husband is allowed one movie in which
there are car chases.
And any time a man and a woman on the screen stare at
each other without
speaking for more than a minute because they're in love but
can't bear to
talk about it for some reason, the husband is allowed to leave
Clause Seven: Whereas, the wife has made abundant and
repeated reference to
the supposed "proper" position of the toilet seat lid, and
whereas there is
no such stated position in the owner's manual, and whereas
the family dog
needs to be able to get water, for crying out loud, the debate
toilet seat lid is now over and the subject need never be
Clause Eight: The thermostat is not a toy. The wife has lost
thermostat privileges. From now on, the thermostat will be
turned up only on
days when the husband is cold.
Clause Nine: The wife may not cut her hair and then wait for
the husband to
notice it and then get mad when he doesn't. And THEN get
mad when he doesn't
like the hair cut! Doesn't it make sense that if I notice you
got your hair
cut, I'm not going to like it?
Clause Ten: It is entirely inappropriate to wake someone up
to tell him he
is snoring. What's he supposed to do about it when he's
AWAKE? And there's
no concrete evidence that I snore, anyway. I think you faked
recording. If you believe I may be snoring, the proper action
is to make
sure I am entirely comfortable, and then maybe I'll stop.
Instead of digging
an elbow into my ribs, try fluffing up my pillow.
Therefore, since the wife is locked in the bedroom and
refuses to come out
and sign this contract, it is deemed automatically in effect,
so now there's
nothing more to argue about. What's for dinner?
- Ten Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my
crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and
the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too". Fuck off. What good is a cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of
it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken
ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band.
drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either
Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a
choice, did ya there buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
there must have been something before it
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you
were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over.
- W A N T E D
A tall woman with very good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs, who can stand a little fu-
ture, fun at parties and froli-
cking without getting serious.
scroll down please....
Ok, now go back up and read lines one, three and five only.
- WHENEVER I FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID, I READ
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then
we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces
some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also
other similarities between the two, but can't remember
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show,
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to
comply with the
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor,
answering accusations that he failed to pay his
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to
spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of
-- Winston Bennett, University of
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
rates in the country."
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington,
"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on,
take them off."
-- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson
the company charged the Air Force nearly
$1000 for an
ordinary pair of pliers.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our
are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass,
and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up
This is a good planet."
-- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked
he would do with a million dollars.
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who
caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and
simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan
Quayle on the
complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
them. There were great numbers of people who needed
new land, and the
Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in
-- General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a
being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a
fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. (He
attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter
cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
- Jewish fathers
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was
about a year away
from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his
knowledge of the
Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to
A year later the young man returned home. "Father,
thank you for
sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It
wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that
Israel I converted to Christianity."
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"
So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best
sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his
friend, "I too
sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."
So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the
Rabbi. "It is
amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi,
"I too sent my
son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is
happening to our
"Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out
to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened
and a mighty
"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly
Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over
the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip
of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and
said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so
the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a
hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the
asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar
and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a
glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who
swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a
Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded,
so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman
and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are
Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got
up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you
are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised
his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped
back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing