The Calico Chronicles,
an exploration of the nature and quality of happiness.
Spring 1999 Jokes
Laugh out loud at jokes form the spring of 1999.
Oneliners
Sexual Jokes
Tech Jokes
Religion Jokes
Lawyer Jokes
Best Jokes Vol. 1
Best Jokes Vol. 2
Best Jokes Vol. 3
Personality Test
Reality
Experience California
Fall Jokes
Spring Jokes
Political Jokes
Princess Di Jokes (Vol. 1)
Princess Di Jokes (Vol. 2)

  1. Grief
    Dorothy is very upset as her husband, Albert, had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him, she starts wailing and crying.

    One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

    The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.

    The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

    She asks the attendant "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

    "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a deceased man about your husband's size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the attendant replied.

    He continued, "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads."

  2. Good Trade
    A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm. The Agent salutes and says, "Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir." Clinton smiles and says, "These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea." The Agent says, "Good trade, sir."
  3. 24 Hours
    God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth." The angel says, "What are you going to do now?" God says, "Call it a day
  4. Texan
    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

    One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

    The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

  5. Worst Day
    A small man was sitting in a bar staring into his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour when a big trouble-making truck driver stepped up next to him, took the man's drink and guzzled it down.

    The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

    "No, it's not that. today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab and went home. After the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I went in the house only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener.

    I left home depressed and came to this bar." And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and DRINK MY POISON!

  6. Adam
    Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "Adam, what is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. God told Adam that this person would cook for him, wash his clothes, would always agree with every decision Adam made. God continued, "She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will never nag you and will always be the first to admit that she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and compassion whenever you need it."

    Adam asked God, "What would a woman like this cost me?"

    God answered, "An arm and a leg."

    Adam thought for a moment and then asked, "What could I get for just a rib?"

    The rest is history.

  7. Political Aptitude Test
    This test consists of one (1) multiple-choice question (so you better get it right!)

    Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum:
    China 1945-46
    Korea 1950-53
    China 1950-53
    Guatemala 1954
    Indonesia 1958
    Cuba 1959-60
    Guatemala 1960
    Congo 1964
    Peru 1965
    Laos 1964-73
    Vietnam 1961-73
    Cambodia 1969-70
    Guatemala 1967-69
    Grenada 1983
    Libya 1986
    El Salvador 1980s
    Nicaragua 1980s
    Panama 1989
    Iraq 1991-99
    Sudan 1998
    Afghanistan 1998
    Yugoslavia 1999

    In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful of human rights, occur as a direct result? Choose one of the following:





    a) 0
    b) zero
    c) none
    d) not a one
    e) zip
    f) a whole number between -1 and +1

  8. Dice
    It's 8:00 AM at a gambling casino. There are two guys waiting at the Dice table for additional competition. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The other two agree.

    She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing underwear."

    With that she strips naked from the waist down. She then rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants! YES!!! I WIN!".

    With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The other two just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

    The other answers, "I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"

  9. Post Nuptual Contract
    Whereas, the aggrieved party (husband) and the aggrieving party (wife) have been involved in a long standing dispute, and whereas we're tired of arguing over this stuff all the time, and whereas if you'd just listen to me you'd see that I'm right. Therefore come the parties together in a post-nuptial agreement, which I expect you to sign and then there's no need for further discussion.

    Clause One: Whereas, there is one correct way to arrange the furniture in the living room, and whereas the husband's back is still sore from last weekend when, after moving the chair into the corner for about half an hour, the wife made him carry it back to where it was in the first place, it is now understood by both parties that the furniture is in the correct arrangement. There is no need ever to move it again.

    Clause Two: It seems like the husband just got the Christmas decorations put up and now you want them taken down! So the wife should make up her mind. If the house looks pretty with lights on it, why not leave them up for awhile? The same is true for Halloween decorations, and no, I do not think it looks silly to have the scarecrow out there next to Santa Claus. I think it looks festive.

    Clause Three: The wife shouldn't tell the husband that she is fat and then get all upset when he suggests ways to lose weight. The husband is just trying to help, for Pete's sake! And for the record, the husband did NOT say you were fat! YOU said you were fat. All I did was fail to disagree forcefully enough!

    Clause Four: Whereas the wife already has like thirty-two thousand pairs of shoes, that's enough. The wife should stop buying clothes for which she doesn't have appropriate shoes.

    Clause Five: The wife is allowed one "favorite part" of each movie, and that's it. You can't keep saying "This is my favorite part" in the same movie. And stop asking me what my favorite part is, because the answer is "none." I wanted to watch Die Hard again!

    Clause Six: Speaking of movies, for every movie with subtitles that the wife wants to see, the husband is allowed one movie in which there are car chases. And any time a man and a woman on the screen stare at each other without speaking for more than a minute because they're in love but can't bear to talk about it for some reason, the husband is allowed to leave the room.

    Clause Seven: Whereas, the wife has made abundant and repeated reference to the supposed "proper" position of the toilet seat lid, and whereas there is no such stated position in the owner's manual, and whereas the family dog needs to be able to get water, for crying out loud, the debate about the toilet seat lid is now over and the subject need never be mentioned again, ever.

    Clause Eight: The thermostat is not a toy. The wife has lost her thermostat privileges. From now on, the thermostat will be turned up only on days when the husband is cold.

    Clause Nine: The wife may not cut her hair and then wait for the husband to notice it and then get mad when he doesn't. And THEN get mad when he doesn't like the hair cut! Doesn't it make sense that if I notice you got your hair cut, I'm not going to like it?

    Clause Ten: It is entirely inappropriate to wake someone up to tell him he is snoring. What's he supposed to do about it when he's AWAKE? And there's no concrete evidence that I snore, anyway. I think you faked that tape recording. If you believe I may be snoring, the proper action is to make sure I am entirely comfortable, and then maybe I'll stop. Instead of digging an elbow into my ribs, try fluffing up my pillow.

    Therefore, since the wife is locked in the bedroom and refuses to come out and sign this contract, it is deemed automatically in effect, so now there's nothing more to argue about. What's for dinner?

  10. Ten Things that Piss Me Off - Adam Sandler

    1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

    2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

    3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

    4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a cake you can't eat?

    5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

    6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at frikken ceiling up there.

    7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

    8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

    9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it

    10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over.

  11. W A N T E D
    A tall woman with very good
    reputation, who can cook frog
    legs, who can stand a little fu-
    ture, fun at parties and froli-
    cking without getting serious.


    scroll down please....













    Ok, now go back up and read lines one, three and five only.




  12. WHENEVER I FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID, I READ THIS...
    Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
    Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

    "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey

    "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

    "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law" -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

    "They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

    "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

    "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

    "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle

    "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas

    "The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

    "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

    "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne

    "Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

    "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." -- General William Westmoreland

    "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".)

    "If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

  13. Jewish fathers
    A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

    "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

    So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?

    "Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated,

    "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel..................."

  14. Drinks
    The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.

    With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

    The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give him a glass of Chianti, too.

    The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

    Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

    Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"