Sex jokes oOo

  1. Jagermeister
    A young man walked up and sat down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquired. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

    "6 shots?? Are you celebrating something?" Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered. "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

    "No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

  2. The Hyper-Active Aphrodisiac
    An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years. She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire. After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just thething. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."

    The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!

    "I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."

    "Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!"

  3. Mental Health
    Sam has been in the mental health business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

    Sam sees the postman once a week and gets his groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on the door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

    "Name's Enoch...... your neighbor from four miles over the ridge.....having a party Saturday.....thought you'd like to come."

    "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving, he stops,

    "gotta warn you, there's gonna be some drinkin."

    "Not a problem....after 25 years in the mental health business, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops.

    "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam thinks....tough crowd.

    "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again, Enoch turns from the door.

    "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

    "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember, I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.....by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

    Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

  4. Friends
    There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way. Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

    "I'm an undertaker", responded the friend.

    "That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement."

    "There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the friend.

    "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat.....You want to talk about excitement, I was in the wrong room!!!"

  5. THE GENIE
    A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

    The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

    The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I can't do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No ... that is just too much to ask."

    The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I want to understand women. What makes them laugh? What make them cry? Why are they temperamental? And why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

    The genie considered for a few minutes; then said, "So, do you want two lanes or four ?"

  6. Hen Service
    A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

    "I have just therooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

    So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little pep talk."Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word he strutted into the hen house.

    Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.

    The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

    The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

    "Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

  7. Elbow Pain
    A man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

    The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled ajar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

    He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The machine made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant. It ain't yours---get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

  8. Fruit
    One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

    "Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

    "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"

    "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

    "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

    Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."

    "Johnny!" she cries."That's disgusting!"

    "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

  9. Bump
    A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

    The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

    She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

  10. Saddle
    A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off. "My God!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"

    "Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

    "Lady,"says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

  11. Neighbor
    A man was sitting on his front porch one morning and saw a young couple moving next door. The husband of the couple opened the moving van, removed a hammock and proceded to set up the hammock in the back yard.

    Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes. After a while, the young lady emerged from the house with a cold beer and a pillow and gave them to her husband. She then proceded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.

    This infuriated the man who was watching, so he walked next door to give the husband a piece of his mind. "Sir," he said angrily, "you ought to be hung!"

    The neighbor replied, "I am, my friend."

  12. Ghost
    A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"

    Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

    Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

    He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand...

    The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"

    The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

  13. Abstaining from sex
    Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

    The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
    The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
    "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

    The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
    The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."
    "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

    The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
    "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
    "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
    "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

    "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

    "We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."

  14. Examination
    This sweet young thing enters a doctor's office for her annual physical. The doctor has her disrobe and sit on the examining table. Right off he notices a rash all across her chest in the shape of an "H". "How did that happen?" he asks. She says, "My boyfriend is a big football star at Harvard, and he won't take off his letter sweater when we fool around."

    Strange, thinks the doctor, but to each his own. Some time later another sweet young thing enters the same doctor's office for her annual physical. Same drill disrobe, and sit on the examining table. The doctor notices an almost identical rash on this girl's chest, only this time, it's in the shape of a "Y". "How did you get this rash?" the doctor asks. The sweet young thing replies, "Oh, my boyfriend is a letter man at Yale, and he won't take his sweater off when we fool around." "Oh" says the doctor.

    Not a half hour after this young lady leaves, another sweet young thing comes in for her annual physical. Again the doctor notices a rash on her chest in the shape of a giant "M". The doctor says, "Don't tell me, your boyfriend goes to Minnesota State!" "No" says the sweet young thing. "But I have a girlfriend who goes to Wellesley."

  15. A little rhyme
    Jim woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Jim was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

    
      THE TENT POLE IS UP,
      THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
      THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
      COME BACK TO BED.
    

    The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

      TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
      PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
      THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
      NO CIRCUS TODAY.

    So he sent another note down. It read:

      THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
      AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
      SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
      AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

    To which she replied:

      I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
      THE BEST IN THE LAND
      BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
      SO DO IT BY HAND!